Spank The Monkey For The Holidays!

Mutha Fuck! It's Crimass! I gots me a 40 and some cookies. Come on ladies, it's time to give Angry Albino Sock Monkey the luvin' you been savin' up for now. I'm layn' under the tree with a big ass bow tied to mah big ass monkey stick.

Okay, whatevah. I been drinkin' since 8 o'clock this morning and I'm jus in the spirit of the holidaze. Shit, have yo sef a merry fuckin' crimass!

From Paradise To Hell In One Quick Moment

Mutha Fuck, it's done been a long time. I went from abso-fucking-lute para-fucking-dice to HELL so gawd-damned quick, it ain't even funny. One minute I was a monkey on top of the worl. Had a 40 in one hand and mo' fine pussy in ta other than any damn monkey could ask for, then BAM! It all come down - and hard.

Last you heard I was all snuggled up with the Po-Po ho. Well that was goin all good and shit then it looks like christmas with all the flashing lights and police bustin in (Yeah Christmas in the hood, sometime involve incarceration. Santa done been picked up for public intoxication and drunken disturbance more than once in my hood). Apparently my girl showin' me how to take off ma state issued anklet and slip it on ta cat was not a good idea, as in it was a bad parole violating idea. So picture this shit, here I am all naked chillin with my girl watching TV and sippin on my 8th or 9th 40 when I sees pretty lights thou the window. Po-Po ho done hit the flo when a bunch of pissed off mutha-fucka's with badges bust through the door. I stand up to ask what the fuck and I guess they thought this was LA and ma name was Rodney King 'cuz I get ma ass whipped worse than if I'd been driving a Mercedes through Highland Park on a Sunday Afternoon. Back to lock up I go. Seems the fucking cat decided to get out ta house when I left and the alarm done gone off at the "Keep and eye on that theiving mutha fuckin monkey" headquarters. To make a long story short, I got my fucking parole revoked and that bitch who keep me, well she refused to pony up for a real law dog, so I had to either rely on a public offender or do so dealing wit ma kin.

I gots me a cuz who done gone to law school. I got him to represent my ass at my hearing and that turned out to be one big ass fuck up. Seems my cuz dont like me none and I had no fucking idea 'bout that shit. We blood ya know, you 'spose to stick wif yo blood and help a nigga out when they needs it. He don't understan that shit, ya know. He ain't over that ONE time I got piss-ass drunk at his house and tore some shit up... and fucked his maid... and his wife... and his neighbor... and got the dog pregnant... and thew shit at him when he come to break it up... and bit his mamma. Shit, that mutha-fucka just holds on to a grudge. I mean we ALL do that kind of shit 1 or 2 times a year, ain't no reason to STAY pissed 'bout it. no, no, not this asshole, he gots to stay pissed and he don't tell me that he still pissed off. He keep it a secret as he tell me he'd be HAPPY to represent me. Comes time for me to go to the judge and mutha-fuckin Leroy up there like F. Lee Bailey all proper like. I think this asshole is gonna get me off and I'll get a smack on the wrist and mo' probation. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh HELL NOOOOOOOOOOO! Leroy start pulling shit out his briefcase and tellin' the judge how I is a threat to everyone and how his client (me, mutha fucka, me) needs to be locked up and shit. I'm all "No you didn't! I did not hear yo slick nigga ass just tells that judge to lock me the fuck up!" Asshole turns to me and smiles then shows the piture he's showin' the judge. It's a piture of me all drunk having done tore up his house and I'm fuckin' his poodle! I do not know WHO took that photo (but I'd like a copy, my pitures from that party didn't come out, ya hear), but I'm just left there wit my mouf hangin' open. Then... then comes the really stupid part. I get all pissed and do what ANYONE in that position would do. I starts throwing shit (I mean real shit, I'm a monkey after all). Next thing ya know, I'm gettin' the Rodney King treatment again and I ends up locked up for a few months.

So I can handle being locked up. i made friends with a big mutha-fucka named Rufus and he kind of watch my back out in the yard and shit. It's always a good idea to make friends with the biggest baddest mutha fucka in the place when you first get there so you dont end up on yo nees being his bitch. This monkey will do all sorts o shit, but I ain't gonna suck dick. Yo, dis monkey don't swing that way... not that theys anything wrong wit it. Yeah, so lock up wasn't so bad, I didn't have none of my bitches, so I wuz doin a lot of spankin'... well... myself!

I was in lock up fo about a week when I notice that I had me a rash that was thretening to go past my speedos so I whip it out for the doctor and befo i can splain anything I find my ass packed up and on the way to the vet's office. Shit man! Apparently I fucking picked up a nasty case of Monkey Pox Balls and I was in isolation (they call it quaranteen) fo the rest of my lock up time! gawd-damn! What's a monkey gotta do ta get some raspect?!?! oh yeah, I guess I needs to appologize to my gurls at this time. If you gots a mysterious rash after we was knocking boots, well you NEEDS to get to the vet soon... like NOW. Sorry, must have been something I picked up from that bitch from the zoo. Bitch SAID she was clean and all. That's the last time I trust some not english speeking chick who doesn't shave.

Well I better get the fuck off this, I been home with the bitch for a week and she's been making me clean floors and dust and shit... as in she's been using me as the mop and rag and dust cloth... fucking bitch, life ain't fair...

Monkey Paradise

Sorry I ain't posted in a while, as you can see I been busy with my newest lady. This the first time I done crawled out my place of warmth and security.

I'll tell you all about how I hooked up with this fine specimen and how I done fooled the state on that damn' ankle bracelet (sorry cat, think of it as jewelry - at least it ain't like I drank a case of 40's and tried to fuck you again, so get over it). And how my latest lady is with the 'Po-Po, damn, you gots to love a woman who can put you in cuffs!

I'm off now, need a little rest befo my girl get's off work. I'm tellin' you, playing cops 'n robbers can wear a monkey out. It's all good though, just ice it fo now and it'll be good to go when she's back.

Fuck, don't you wish you was me nigga?

Girls, Girls, There Is Enough Monkey Love For Everyone...

Life is good when you are one hot piece of monkey love. My girls sending me the love and all. Gawddamn this ankle bracelet from the state! Puttin' a cramp in my luvin' and all. I was just bitchin' 'bout that with Martha. She was all 'Damn! I'd be out at the bars an' shit if it wasn't for this fucking ankle bracelet. I gots to get them to bring in my cases of 40's and drink it here with the pool boy. Fuck I'm gettin' tired of fuckin' him, I need me some rough sex like I get up at the biker bar.' I mean it was something like that. But anyway, Martha, I got yo back girl. Ain't easy being a felon.

So my girls been sending me the luv (but no naked pictures, girls, girls, girls, what's with that shit? Need to be hooking Monkey Man up with some naked pictures and all - internet porn is expensive). Sable baby, I been trying to call you but you ain't gonna believe this shit. Bitch done did something to the phone so every time i try to call out I get an electrical shock. First time I was calling the liquor sto for a delivery and gawddamn if it didn't singe the fucking fur off of half my head! I thought maybe it was a short in the phone or maybe she didn't pay the bill, so I goes to the other phone and mutha fuck, I dialed and it rang then ZAP! That butt-fuckin' phone done shocked me again! I may be permanently deaf in that ear. I just dropped that phone and ran down stairs, started pourin' the rest of my 40 in my ear. Bitch done been watching and listening and was rollin' around on the floor laughing. It ain't funny. I waited a couple of days, then I couldn't control my urges no mo' so I gets Sable's number and I dial it. This time it shocked me so fuckin' hard I blacked the fuck out - and that shit only usually happens after a couple of cases of 40's. I may have brain damage from that shit. So Sable, baby, I been trying. Dora, girl, you hot bitch, you always on my mind. Dixie, girl, don't be letting bitch hate on me, you know you love me, come on over and take me for a ride in yo' pimp-mobile - I'll take you for a ride of my own.

Gawddamn, bitch done be waking up. I gots to go look like a reformed felon and all.

Lookin' Fo Love... Or Just A Good Fuck

After that Bitch who keeps me went off to bed last night I did what I usually do, checked CNN news and Fox News online. Yeah, whatEVER! HAHAHA! Just funnin', you know I was surfin' the nastiest porn I could find.. and not have to pay fo. I still ain't got that woman's fucking credit card number yet! Damn her! Anyway that Bitch left her IM list open so I took the time to check out who she talk to, 'cuz it's important that I knows who she knows and all. I look and she's got a bunch of ugly men and some delicious hot tasty looking babes. Oh yeah! I started making a list of all of them. Ya know my girl Sable was on there and so was my other girl Dora. I found me another hot sexy bitch to ad to my harem. Dixie girl you so hot, you just 'bout melted my eyeballs! Why don't you ditch that husband and come get some jungle love? You know you want it! Everybody want a piece of this hot studly monkey meat!

Shit, I gots to go, the roofies I stuck in her coffee done wore off. Better go look busy like I'm cleaning and shit.

Shout out to my girls, come on baby, you know you want to spank this monkey!

Where's The Love???

I'm tellin' you it's not here. Ain't no love fo this primate. Fuck, I can't even pay for it these days. Mainly 'cuz Bitch all uptight about her money and shit. She's makeing me work for all the money she gives me - shit just last week she had me crawling around under her funky ass bed to clean out the dust under it, I came out looking like a fucking shitzu! Bow wow fucking bitch, tricked me into to doing it anyway - saying shit about there being a case of beer under there.

But on to other shit, my baby Sable ain't called me yet. I KNOW she wants to and all but I'm sure Bitch is probably just not letting the call though. Baby, don't give up, I'm here for you. Although... you might wanna get a move on, I know of another hot bitch wanting some monkey love. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Dora been lusting over this hunk of studly monkey. But ladies don't worry, there's enough of AASM to go around.

Right now I'm on the lo-lo 'cuz bitch on some fucking rampage. Her boss done dissed her and given' her sit 'bout taking time off fo her kids. I told her I'd take care of it if she just let me have some gas money. Then she cut me a look that would have turned my hair white if it weren't already white and went into a tirade about how not letting me drive her car, my fucked up monkey friends not being worth nothing and me being a felon on probation not even being able to leave the house an' shit. I ducked the fuck out of the room as quick as i could, she looked like she was gonna start smacking me around. Bitch got all violent and crap while I was in lock up! If not for my probation, hell I'd teach her to show me some respect. See how she like a fucking black eye. But for now, I just have to be happy sneaking around and pissing in her slippers to get back at her.

Oh and last night, gawd-damn, she comes home all drunk and shit. She be going out all the fucking time! If she don't come home stinking drunk, she's stink of lube and cheap condoms. Mutha fuck! I'm jealous.

Anywayz, girls... give your stud monkey a call.. we can set things up.

Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe

Yeah, Barry said it just right. I gots my eye on a new woman. It's a friend of that bitch I live wif, but she's hot as hell and she was asking about me yesterday. Yeah, she knows a good thing when she sees it. (and no this blog ain't written by that gay man Bitch is married to. I mean damn baby, do this even read like some faggotty poetry or decorating shit??) Bitch was making it like it was joke and that fine piece of ass wasn't all hot for me, but I knows she was just jerking my chain, I mean why else would she be asking all about me and reading this blog and shit? She's hot for me! YEah! AASM gonna get him a new woman... and I won't have to pay by the hour this time.

I know, you is all going crazy trying to figure who this fine woman could be - well I will link you to a site to vote for her hot self - VOTE FOR SABLE! Yeah, she's hot for me. Bitch was telling me that she was all laughing and asking if the gay ex was the author of this fucking blog and she was all nooooo, it's the fucking monkey and she was making like Sable was all laughing hard about to pee her pants. Hell I could barely understand her she was all laughing and shit. Mean bitch I tell you. But I know she was just trying to cover the truth, make me feel bad and shit, knowing that I'm such a hot piece of real estate that all women want me. I knows the truth. The only problem is that Sable gots herself a boyfriend. Yeah that's only a minor problem though. She had the boy before she knew 'bout me so I can't even be jealous or nothing. I knows that if she had seen me first, that boy would still be lonely. I mean what the fuck does he have that I don't? I mean aside from a good job, a car and a clean criminal record. Sable, Call me baby! We can hook up. But you gots to understand it will have to be a local type date and all, what with me having this special ankle bracelet courtesy of the state, I kind of have to stay in a very restricted area - yeah me and Martha S gots a lot in common these days. Both of us sitting home on the couch watch Oprah and sipping a 40.

On to other shit... Bitch done had her Jew holiday shit this past Saturday. I'm not up on all that religion and shit, but I was so there for all the cheap wine. Gotta be something to a holiday that requires drinking bottles and bottles of cheap wine. Bitch and her friends got all sloppy drunk and all the while there I was locked in a cat crate. Goddamn that's gotta be a sin or something! I didn't even get no cheap wine!

Mo shit... I think Bitch gots a date or something coming up soon, I could swear I saw her looking on line for cheap condoms and lube. I thought I heard her telling gay ex that one of her exboyfriends was gonna fly in for a freak-weekend sometime. Last night I heard her talking about having gold pussy lips now (what the fuck? is it worth more now?) AND I could SWEAR I saw a bottle of lube and a butt plug on her nightstand the other day. She is turning into a MEGA FREAK! Mutha Fuck! Why aint I making some bling of this shit?

Well better go now... Bitch just got out of the shower and if she catches me on her 'puter again, well it ain't gonna be pretty.

And Sable, call me baby, you know you want to.