From Paradise To Hell In One Quick Moment
Mutha Fuck, it's done been a long time. I went from abso-fucking-lute para-fucking-dice to HELL so gawd-damned quick, it ain't even funny. One minute I was a monkey on top of the worl. Had a 40 in one hand and mo' fine pussy in ta other than any damn monkey could ask for, then BAM! It all come down - and hard.
Last you heard I was all snuggled up with the Po-Po ho. Well that was goin all good and shit then it looks like christmas with all the flashing lights and police bustin in (Yeah Christmas in the hood, sometime involve incarceration. Santa done been picked up for public intoxication and drunken disturbance more than once in my hood). Apparently my girl showin' me how to take off ma state issued anklet and slip it on ta cat was not a good idea, as in it was a bad parole violating idea. So picture this shit, here I am all naked chillin with my girl watching TV and sippin on my 8th or 9th 40 when I sees pretty lights thou the window. Po-Po ho done hit the flo when a bunch of pissed off mutha-fucka's with badges bust through the door. I stand up to ask what the fuck and I guess they thought this was LA and ma name was Rodney King 'cuz I get ma ass whipped worse than if I'd been driving a Mercedes through Highland Park on a Sunday Afternoon. Back to lock up I go. Seems the fucking cat decided to get out ta house when I left and the alarm done gone off at the "Keep and eye on that theiving mutha fuckin monkey" headquarters. To make a long story short, I got my fucking parole revoked and that bitch who keep me, well she refused to pony up for a real law dog, so I had to either rely on a public offender or do so dealing wit ma kin.
I gots me a cuz who done gone to law school. I got him to represent my ass at my hearing and that turned out to be one big ass fuck up. Seems my cuz dont like me none and I had no fucking idea 'bout that shit. We blood ya know, you 'spose to stick wif yo blood and help a nigga out when they needs it. He don't understan that shit, ya know. He ain't over that ONE time I got piss-ass drunk at his house and tore some shit up... and fucked his maid... and his wife... and his neighbor... and got the dog pregnant... and thew shit at him when he come to break it up... and bit his mamma. Shit, that mutha-fucka just holds on to a grudge. I mean we ALL do that kind of shit 1 or 2 times a year, ain't no reason to STAY pissed 'bout it. no, no, not this asshole, he gots to stay pissed and he don't tell me that he still pissed off. He keep it a secret as he tell me he'd be HAPPY to represent me. Comes time for me to go to the judge and mutha-fuckin Leroy up there like F. Lee Bailey all proper like. I think this asshole is gonna get me off and I'll get a smack on the wrist and mo' probation. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh HELL NOOOOOOOOOOO! Leroy start pulling shit out his briefcase and tellin' the judge how I is a threat to everyone and how his client (me, mutha fucka, me) needs to be locked up and shit. I'm all "No you didn't! I did not hear yo slick nigga ass just tells that judge to lock me the fuck up!" Asshole turns to me and smiles then shows the piture he's showin' the judge. It's a piture of me all drunk having done tore up his house and I'm fuckin' his poodle! I do not know WHO took that photo (but I'd like a copy, my pitures from that party didn't come out, ya hear), but I'm just left there wit my mouf hangin' open. Then... then comes the really stupid part. I get all pissed and do what ANYONE in that position would do. I starts throwing shit (I mean real shit, I'm a monkey after all). Next thing ya know, I'm gettin' the Rodney King treatment again and I ends up locked up for a few months.
So I can handle being locked up. i made friends with a big mutha-fucka named Rufus and he kind of watch my back out in the yard and shit. It's always a good idea to make friends with the biggest baddest mutha fucka in the place when you first get there so you dont end up on yo nees being his bitch. This monkey will do all sorts o shit, but I ain't gonna suck dick. Yo, dis monkey don't swing that way... not that theys anything wrong wit it. Yeah, so lock up wasn't so bad, I didn't have none of my bitches, so I wuz doin a lot of spankin'... well... myself!
I was in lock up fo about a week when I notice that I had me a rash that was thretening to go past my speedos so I whip it out for the doctor and befo i can splain anything I find my ass packed up and on the way to the vet's office. Shit man! Apparently I fucking picked up a nasty case of Monkey Pox Balls and I was in isolation (they call it quaranteen) fo the rest of my lock up time! gawd-damn! What's a monkey gotta do ta get some raspect?!?! oh yeah, I guess I needs to appologize to my gurls at this time. If you gots a mysterious rash after we was knocking boots, well you NEEDS to get to the vet soon... like NOW. Sorry, must have been something I picked up from that bitch from the zoo. Bitch SAID she was clean and all. That's the last time I trust some not english speeking chick who doesn't shave.
Well I better get the fuck off this, I been home with the bitch for a week and she's been making me clean floors and dust and shit... as in she's been using me as the mop and rag and dust cloth... fucking bitch, life ain't fair...
Last you heard I was all snuggled up with the Po-Po ho. Well that was goin all good and shit then it looks like christmas with all the flashing lights and police bustin in (Yeah Christmas in the hood, sometime involve incarceration. Santa done been picked up for public intoxication and drunken disturbance more than once in my hood). Apparently my girl showin' me how to take off ma state issued anklet and slip it on ta cat was not a good idea, as in it was a bad parole violating idea. So picture this shit, here I am all naked chillin with my girl watching TV and sippin on my 8th or 9th 40 when I sees pretty lights thou the window. Po-Po ho done hit the flo when a bunch of pissed off mutha-fucka's with badges bust through the door. I stand up to ask what the fuck and I guess they thought this was LA and ma name was Rodney King 'cuz I get ma ass whipped worse than if I'd been driving a Mercedes through Highland Park on a Sunday Afternoon. Back to lock up I go. Seems the fucking cat decided to get out ta house when I left and the alarm done gone off at the "Keep and eye on that theiving mutha fuckin monkey" headquarters. To make a long story short, I got my fucking parole revoked and that bitch who keep me, well she refused to pony up for a real law dog, so I had to either rely on a public offender or do so dealing wit ma kin.
I gots me a cuz who done gone to law school. I got him to represent my ass at my hearing and that turned out to be one big ass fuck up. Seems my cuz dont like me none and I had no fucking idea 'bout that shit. We blood ya know, you 'spose to stick wif yo blood and help a nigga out when they needs it. He don't understan that shit, ya know. He ain't over that ONE time I got piss-ass drunk at his house and tore some shit up... and fucked his maid... and his wife... and his neighbor... and got the dog pregnant... and thew shit at him when he come to break it up... and bit his mamma. Shit, that mutha-fucka just holds on to a grudge. I mean we ALL do that kind of shit 1 or 2 times a year, ain't no reason to STAY pissed 'bout it. no, no, not this asshole, he gots to stay pissed and he don't tell me that he still pissed off. He keep it a secret as he tell me he'd be HAPPY to represent me. Comes time for me to go to the judge and mutha-fuckin Leroy up there like F. Lee Bailey all proper like. I think this asshole is gonna get me off and I'll get a smack on the wrist and mo' probation. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh HELL NOOOOOOOOOOO! Leroy start pulling shit out his briefcase and tellin' the judge how I is a threat to everyone and how his client (me, mutha fucka, me) needs to be locked up and shit. I'm all "No you didn't! I did not hear yo slick nigga ass just tells that judge to lock me the fuck up!" Asshole turns to me and smiles then shows the piture he's showin' the judge. It's a piture of me all drunk having done tore up his house and I'm fuckin' his poodle! I do not know WHO took that photo (but I'd like a copy, my pitures from that party didn't come out, ya hear), but I'm just left there wit my mouf hangin' open. Then... then comes the really stupid part. I get all pissed and do what ANYONE in that position would do. I starts throwing shit (I mean real shit, I'm a monkey after all). Next thing ya know, I'm gettin' the Rodney King treatment again and I ends up locked up for a few months.
So I can handle being locked up. i made friends with a big mutha-fucka named Rufus and he kind of watch my back out in the yard and shit. It's always a good idea to make friends with the biggest baddest mutha fucka in the place when you first get there so you dont end up on yo nees being his bitch. This monkey will do all sorts o shit, but I ain't gonna suck dick. Yo, dis monkey don't swing that way... not that theys anything wrong wit it. Yeah, so lock up wasn't so bad, I didn't have none of my bitches, so I wuz doin a lot of spankin'... well... myself!
I was in lock up fo about a week when I notice that I had me a rash that was thretening to go past my speedos so I whip it out for the doctor and befo i can splain anything I find my ass packed up and on the way to the vet's office. Shit man! Apparently I fucking picked up a nasty case of Monkey Pox Balls and I was in isolation (they call it quaranteen) fo the rest of my lock up time! gawd-damn! What's a monkey gotta do ta get some raspect?!?! oh yeah, I guess I needs to appologize to my gurls at this time. If you gots a mysterious rash after we was knocking boots, well you NEEDS to get to the vet soon... like NOW. Sorry, must have been something I picked up from that bitch from the zoo. Bitch SAID she was clean and all. That's the last time I trust some not english speeking chick who doesn't shave.
Well I better get the fuck off this, I been home with the bitch for a week and she's been making me clean floors and dust and shit... as in she's been using me as the mop and rag and dust cloth... fucking bitch, life ain't fair...
posted by Angry Albino Sock Monkey!! at 11:57 AM
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