Back From The Dead, So To Speak
So yeah, I'm back. Been sprung from lock up... I mean back from visiting family. Let's hope I don't violate probation again and end up at another family reunion.
Anyway, so I get back and what do I come home to? Fucking bitch I stay with (and I don't mean the wife, I mean the bitch who keeps me) was all boo-hooing and shit. Seems about 4 weeks ago she found out her man was fucking some other bitch and she wasn't even the MAIN ho on his roster. Seems she was his SECRET ho and he had his public ho. She was all broke up and shit. I did what any good man would do and offered to round up my posse' and go bust his knee caps. She kind of rolled her eyes and mumbled something about paying money to see me and 6 of my fucked up monkey friends trying to drive to San Antonio. I'm taking that as a sign she's thinking about, willing to pay and probably getting the bling together for the job. I figure it would be a quick trip, 6 hours down, a couple hours to bust knee caps, thow some shit and drink his beer, then 7 hours to drive back. Why so long to drive? What the fuck? We are monkeys, we get distracted eaisly - ya know - shiny things, fruit, ho's, beer, etc.
Anyway, I let the bitch whine and cry for as long as I could stand her to hear her head rattle. 'Boohoo, my heart is broke, boohoo, he chose her over me, boohoo, I'm so embarassed, boohoo, I'm hurt...' waa-waa-waa. I finally told her to dry it up and clean up the fucking house, my parole officer was coming over. Seems when she's all heart broke and shit, she's got a violent temper. Bitch beat me like a red headed step child. I didn't wake up for 2 fucking days. My eyes just now got unswoll enough for me to see out of them. She's been keeping me in a goddamn dog kennel. Man she was pissed. In hindsight, maybe it was a bad chose of words or my timing could have been better.
Now she's back to sounding like a sick cow. That shit's got to stop. Today I was trying to comfort her dumb ass and said "Yo, bitch, you got to cut that damn moaning and shit out, ain't no wonder yo man didn't want you", next thing I remember is waking up in the litter box. Damn she's mean.
I been in touch with some of my family (the ones not in lock up), see they got connections to the old family and the old ways. I talked to my grandma about maybe doing some voodoo shit to help this little situation out. Seems grandma don't have any 'Shut The Bitch Up' spell (if she did, hell I'd be memorizing that one). She said she would look into some curses and spells. She listed off some she had, Bring Back My Love, Bring Me Peace, Protection Spells (thats for when you get a little to enthusiastic with the curses and shit, then you need to cover yo ass), Find A Soulmate, Find A Good Job, Bring Me Money, Make My Rival Get A Fat Ass, Healing Spell, and a couple of others about getting rid of the Clap and a case of crabs. Being as grandma don't cut even family memebers a deal, I gots to find a way to get me some money to pay. Now I'm going to have to get creative because the bitch watches her purse like a hawk since that whole pay per view thing happened - hey it was Wild Life week!
Anyway, I'm working on a way to make it right for her, it's the least I can do since she's letting me stay here while I'm on house arrest. I told her I would set her up with one of my friends, she cut me a look that would make most people burst into flames, asked me how the fuck desperate she looked, what the fuck makes me think she'd want to get with one of my fucking primate booze buddies then made like she was going to hit me again (I was all prepared this time, I just jumped up on the back of the sofa and made like I was going to pull out some Kung Fu out of my ass... or something else). Damn she got to stop dissin' me like that, one day she's going to wake up and find 6 foot and a half tall monkeys whooping her ass, then she'll learn to show some respect for the Monkey! It's all right though, I'll make it right, I already put up some personal add for her. She should be having the phone ringing off the wall soon with offers. Yeah offers, I figure she might as well make some money while she's out trying to find a new man. It's all good, she'll thank me when she starts seeing the benjamins.
Well I gots to go now, seems the roofies are wearing off her now so I better go look like a rehabilitated felon.
Anyway, so I get back and what do I come home to? Fucking bitch I stay with (and I don't mean the wife, I mean the bitch who keeps me) was all boo-hooing and shit. Seems about 4 weeks ago she found out her man was fucking some other bitch and she wasn't even the MAIN ho on his roster. Seems she was his SECRET ho and he had his public ho. She was all broke up and shit. I did what any good man would do and offered to round up my posse' and go bust his knee caps. She kind of rolled her eyes and mumbled something about paying money to see me and 6 of my fucked up monkey friends trying to drive to San Antonio. I'm taking that as a sign she's thinking about, willing to pay and probably getting the bling together for the job. I figure it would be a quick trip, 6 hours down, a couple hours to bust knee caps, thow some shit and drink his beer, then 7 hours to drive back. Why so long to drive? What the fuck? We are monkeys, we get distracted eaisly - ya know - shiny things, fruit, ho's, beer, etc.
Anyway, I let the bitch whine and cry for as long as I could stand her to hear her head rattle. 'Boohoo, my heart is broke, boohoo, he chose her over me, boohoo, I'm so embarassed, boohoo, I'm hurt...' waa-waa-waa. I finally told her to dry it up and clean up the fucking house, my parole officer was coming over. Seems when she's all heart broke and shit, she's got a violent temper. Bitch beat me like a red headed step child. I didn't wake up for 2 fucking days. My eyes just now got unswoll enough for me to see out of them. She's been keeping me in a goddamn dog kennel. Man she was pissed. In hindsight, maybe it was a bad chose of words or my timing could have been better.
Now she's back to sounding like a sick cow. That shit's got to stop. Today I was trying to comfort her dumb ass and said "Yo, bitch, you got to cut that damn moaning and shit out, ain't no wonder yo man didn't want you", next thing I remember is waking up in the litter box. Damn she's mean.
I been in touch with some of my family (the ones not in lock up), see they got connections to the old family and the old ways. I talked to my grandma about maybe doing some voodoo shit to help this little situation out. Seems grandma don't have any 'Shut The Bitch Up' spell (if she did, hell I'd be memorizing that one). She said she would look into some curses and spells. She listed off some she had, Bring Back My Love, Bring Me Peace, Protection Spells (thats for when you get a little to enthusiastic with the curses and shit, then you need to cover yo ass), Find A Soulmate, Find A Good Job, Bring Me Money, Make My Rival Get A Fat Ass, Healing Spell, and a couple of others about getting rid of the Clap and a case of crabs. Being as grandma don't cut even family memebers a deal, I gots to find a way to get me some money to pay. Now I'm going to have to get creative because the bitch watches her purse like a hawk since that whole pay per view thing happened - hey it was Wild Life week!
Anyway, I'm working on a way to make it right for her, it's the least I can do since she's letting me stay here while I'm on house arrest. I told her I would set her up with one of my friends, she cut me a look that would make most people burst into flames, asked me how the fuck desperate she looked, what the fuck makes me think she'd want to get with one of my fucking primate booze buddies then made like she was going to hit me again (I was all prepared this time, I just jumped up on the back of the sofa and made like I was going to pull out some Kung Fu out of my ass... or something else). Damn she got to stop dissin' me like that, one day she's going to wake up and find 6 foot and a half tall monkeys whooping her ass, then she'll learn to show some respect for the Monkey! It's all right though, I'll make it right, I already put up some personal add for her. She should be having the phone ringing off the wall soon with offers. Yeah offers, I figure she might as well make some money while she's out trying to find a new man. It's all good, she'll thank me when she starts seeing the benjamins.
Well I gots to go now, seems the roofies are wearing off her now so I better go look like a rehabilitated felon.
posted by Angry Albino Sock Monkey!! at 3:22 PM
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