Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe

Yeah, Barry said it just right. I gots my eye on a new woman. It's a friend of that bitch I live wif, but she's hot as hell and she was asking about me yesterday. Yeah, she knows a good thing when she sees it. (and no this blog ain't written by that gay man Bitch is married to. I mean damn baby, do this even read like some faggotty poetry or decorating shit??) Bitch was making it like it was joke and that fine piece of ass wasn't all hot for me, but I knows she was just jerking my chain, I mean why else would she be asking all about me and reading this blog and shit? She's hot for me! YEah! AASM gonna get him a new woman... and I won't have to pay by the hour this time.

I know, you is all going crazy trying to figure who this fine woman could be - well I will link you to a site to vote for her hot self - VOTE FOR SABLE! Yeah, she's hot for me. Bitch was telling me that she was all laughing and asking if the gay ex was the author of this fucking blog and she was all nooooo, it's the fucking monkey and she was making like Sable was all laughing hard about to pee her pants. Hell I could barely understand her she was all laughing and shit. Mean bitch I tell you. But I know she was just trying to cover the truth, make me feel bad and shit, knowing that I'm such a hot piece of real estate that all women want me. I knows the truth. The only problem is that Sable gots herself a boyfriend. Yeah that's only a minor problem though. She had the boy before she knew 'bout me so I can't even be jealous or nothing. I knows that if she had seen me first, that boy would still be lonely. I mean what the fuck does he have that I don't? I mean aside from a good job, a car and a clean criminal record. Sable, Call me baby! We can hook up. But you gots to understand it will have to be a local type date and all, what with me having this special ankle bracelet courtesy of the state, I kind of have to stay in a very restricted area - yeah me and Martha S gots a lot in common these days. Both of us sitting home on the couch watch Oprah and sipping a 40.

On to other shit... Bitch done had her Jew holiday shit this past Saturday. I'm not up on all that religion and shit, but I was so there for all the cheap wine. Gotta be something to a holiday that requires drinking bottles and bottles of cheap wine. Bitch and her friends got all sloppy drunk and all the while there I was locked in a cat crate. Goddamn that's gotta be a sin or something! I didn't even get no cheap wine!

Mo shit... I think Bitch gots a date or something coming up soon, I could swear I saw her looking on line for cheap condoms and lube. I thought I heard her telling gay ex that one of her exboyfriends was gonna fly in for a freak-weekend sometime. Last night I heard her talking about having gold pussy lips now (what the fuck? is it worth more now?) AND I could SWEAR I saw a bottle of lube and a butt plug on her nightstand the other day. She is turning into a MEGA FREAK! Mutha Fuck! Why aint I making some bling of this shit?

Well better go now... Bitch just got out of the shower and if she catches me on her 'puter again, well it ain't gonna be pretty.

And Sable, call me baby, you know you want to.

Is It Christmas Yet? I Could Swear I Saw A Ho, Ho, Ho!

So bitch seems to have gotten over the sick cow disease. All that fucking whineing and moaning is over. She wrote some long mutha fucking post about being over it and moving on and some body turn me over and fuck me up the ass with no lube if bitch didn't hold true to her goddammed word! Seems she turned the old red light back on. She had the men calling and touching and looking. Shit I was sure she was going to be on the desperation train and I'd be pimping her ass out to my monkey friends. As it was that whole scheme of putting that ad out for her just back fired like lighting a fart at a bean eating contest. Fucking bitch, I'm thinking of taking a restraining order out on her ass - 'sept I can't 'cuz I'm still on house arrest - bitch knows I can't leave to go make a complaint, she got a few calls and a few good offers (noooo she didn't think so, like she's got some gold plated pussy worth more than $300???), she figured it out that I put in the ad and she snatched me out of the chair I had passed out in, she grabbed me by my buttfucking tail I tell you! Surprised the fuck out of me, I spilled beer all over the place. Then she swung me around a few times and knocked me up against the door. That nigger knocked me against the door I tell you! Then she drug me into the bathroom the whole time mutterin' some shit like voodoo chants or curses or something. Then she dunked my head in the toilet till i passed the fuck out. This time I woke up in the trash bin in the bathroom, had a fucking dirty pad stuck to my head. Somehow it was better than waking up with a cat turd stuck in my ear though.

Anyway, like I says, bitch is moving on. She got invited to some earth shaking, wild ass party last Friday. I would have gone with my ho but that fucking ankle bracelet courtesy of the state dictated that I stay home watching porn and spanking the... well the monkey. Don't look at me like that fucker, you know you sit home whacking off as often as you can so bite my furry primate ass. As I didn't go, I don't know what happened and when I asked the ho why she was out until 5:30 am and where she got the bite marks from and who's wearing her underwear, she just slapped me and went back to sleep. What a bitch, some day I'm gonna teach her ass to respect me. Lucky for me my cousin was at the fucking party. He's the one that got his as pimped out to someone. And he sent me this e-mail:

Yo Cuz! Whats up dawg? You ain't neva gonna believe who showed up at goddamn wild ass, fuckin' sex party! Goddaaaaaaamn they was naked people everywhere! It was off the fucking chain! And yo girl was there! Yeah! Ho was like cat nip, had her some folks looking to get that ass let me tell you. Shit I ain't seen that kind of wild ass jungle sex since I had to pay for it at Cousin Clems bachlor party. Oh yeah! You never mentioned bitch shaves! Goddamn I could not believe I saw her with them guys and girls - yeah you heard it, you missed some girl/girl lez shit that made me wish I had my fucking camera with me! Anyway you probably saw all the monkey bites on her, and yo dawg, ain't none of them from me - when I wasn't standing outside the door beating my meat I was down with the hostess with the mostess - oh yeah she got the mostest baby. Shit man you gots to have you a wild ass party with this bitch, she fucking puts out let me tell you. (Might have to slip her a roofie or something, she wasn't looking hot for no monkey meat. Get her high and call us to come over k?) Anywayz, I gots to go, my girl wants to cuddle and shit. I tell you I live in fucking paradise.

Cuz

Fucker. Rubbing it in. I'm gonna beat his fucking ass till his tail falls off some day. So.. he's a fucking liar, I just can't believe my ho would be hitting it that much... I mean she DID come home with bit marks, and she DID come home at 5:30 am and bitch DID smell like lube and cheap rubbers, but her getting that much booty? No fucking way, she's to fucking up tight. Probably sat in the corner with a vibrator.

Well i better go, gotta clean the lube off the key board from my earlier surfing - if my ho finds out, she'll lock me in the fucking cat crate for a week. Damn, I wonder if she's going through menopause or somethin'?

Back From The Dead, So To Speak

So yeah, I'm back. Been sprung from lock up... I mean back from visiting family. Let's hope I don't violate probation again and end up at another family reunion.

Anyway, so I get back and what do I come home to? Fucking bitch I stay with (and I don't mean the wife, I mean the bitch who keeps me) was all boo-hooing and shit. Seems about 4 weeks ago she found out her man was fucking some other bitch and she wasn't even the MAIN ho on his roster. Seems she was his SECRET ho and he had his public ho. She was all broke up and shit. I did what any good man would do and offered to round up my posse' and go bust his knee caps. She kind of rolled her eyes and mumbled something about paying money to see me and 6 of my fucked up monkey friends trying to drive to San Antonio. I'm taking that as a sign she's thinking about, willing to pay and probably getting the bling together for the job. I figure it would be a quick trip, 6 hours down, a couple hours to bust knee caps, thow some shit and drink his beer, then 7 hours to drive back. Why so long to drive? What the fuck? We are monkeys, we get distracted eaisly - ya know - shiny things, fruit, ho's, beer, etc.

Anyway, I let the bitch whine and cry for as long as I could stand her to hear her head rattle. 'Boohoo, my heart is broke, boohoo, he chose her over me, boohoo, I'm so embarassed, boohoo, I'm hurt...' waa-waa-waa. I finally told her to dry it up and clean up the fucking house, my parole officer was coming over. Seems when she's all heart broke and shit, she's got a violent temper. Bitch beat me like a red headed step child. I didn't wake up for 2 fucking days. My eyes just now got unswoll enough for me to see out of them. She's been keeping me in a goddamn dog kennel. Man she was pissed. In hindsight, maybe it was a bad chose of words or my timing could have been better.

Now she's back to sounding like a sick cow. That shit's got to stop. Today I was trying to comfort her dumb ass and said "Yo, bitch, you got to cut that damn moaning and shit out, ain't no wonder yo man didn't want you", next thing I remember is waking up in the litter box. Damn she's mean.

I been in touch with some of my family (the ones not in lock up), see they got connections to the old family and the old ways. I talked to my grandma about maybe doing some voodoo shit to help this little situation out. Seems grandma don't have any 'Shut The Bitch Up' spell (if she did, hell I'd be memorizing that one). She said she would look into some curses and spells. She listed off some she had, Bring Back My Love, Bring Me Peace, Protection Spells (thats for when you get a little to enthusiastic with the curses and shit, then you need to cover yo ass), Find A Soulmate, Find A Good Job, Bring Me Money, Make My Rival Get A Fat Ass, Healing Spell, and a couple of others about getting rid of the Clap and a case of crabs. Being as grandma don't cut even family memebers a deal, I gots to find a way to get me some money to pay. Now I'm going to have to get creative because the bitch watches her purse like a hawk since that whole pay per view thing happened - hey it was Wild Life week!

Anyway, I'm working on a way to make it right for her, it's the least I can do since she's letting me stay here while I'm on house arrest. I told her I would set her up with one of my friends, she cut me a look that would make most people burst into flames, asked me how the fuck desperate she looked, what the fuck makes me think she'd want to get with one of my fucking primate booze buddies then made like she was going to hit me again (I was all prepared this time, I just jumped up on the back of the sofa and made like I was going to pull out some Kung Fu out of my ass... or something else). Damn she got to stop dissin' me like that, one day she's going to wake up and find 6 foot and a half tall monkeys whooping her ass, then she'll learn to show some respect for the Monkey! It's all right though, I'll make it right, I already put up some personal add for her. She should be having the phone ringing off the wall soon with offers. Yeah offers, I figure she might as well make some money while she's out trying to find a new man. It's all good, she'll thank me when she starts seeing the benjamins.

Well I gots to go now, seems the roofies are wearing off her now so I better go look like a rehabilitated felon.